plane people

We’ve been partaking in a fair amount of plane travel recently, and while destinations may differ, it strikes me that people are always the same. So, without further ado, and with plenty of generalisations, here’s my simple guide to people you’re likely to find on the plane.

Actually before I start I just want to clarify something. We all know the people that work on planes are called Air Stewardesses. However, there are actually men that do that job too, so I’m going to do the right thing and refer to them as Flight Attendants.

I’m so glad we cleared that up. Here we go.

 

The Human Sleeping Pill

When talking about this particular plane person, a horrible feeling rushes over me. Envy. I’m so totally jealous of this person. They serenely board the plane, find their seat, sit in it, and promptly fall asleep, only to woken by the sound of the plane wheels hitting the runway at their destination. I am fortunate to be able to get some sleep on planes, but the Human Sleeping Pill is just silly!

 

The Hoarder

This plane person is usually American. Don’t get me wrong, I like Americans. I married one. But they do tend to err on the side of too much hand luggage. I’m talking about the ones with a small suitcase, a laptop bag, a “personal item” that’s bigger than my entire carry-on, a coat, a pillow and perhaps even a blanket. You can tell that you are flying with an American carrier because when you get the gate they start practically begging people to voluntarily check their extra bags. There are instructions on the most spatially aware way to put your hand luggage in the overhead bins (suitcases first, put your personal items under the seat, save your coats ’til the end) and an attendant counts the number of bags that are boarding the plane with the passengers. They know how many each plane can hold. The thing I really don’t understand is WHY anyone needs that much luggage with them on the plane. I’ve travelled a lot, and only once (last week) has my checked luggage been lost. If you’re travelling domestically, it takes about 5 minutes extra to wait for your bag on your way out of the airport. And it’s annoying to have to lug all of that luggage around on the compulsory 2-3 hours of waiting to board the plane. Really, live simply, pack light!

 

The Perpetual Recliner

This fairly self-explanatory character, yes, you know the one who is always in the seat directly in front of you, perpetually reclines. From take-off to landing they constrict your knees and make watching the screen on the back of the seat really awkward. At their worst, they force you to ask the flight attendant to ask them to sit up straight when your food comes, spilling your drink in the process, and as soon as they have finished eating they recline again (again, spilling your drink). It would be so much better if they were actually sleeping, but typically, the Perpetual Recliner is just that.

 

The Restless Rustler

Ah yes, the Restless Rustler. They can’t sit still. They can’t seem to decide on which movie they want to watch, whether or not to listen to their iPod, or which of their three books they want to read. For some reason, they have each of their plane entertainment options in a plastic bag that seems to be tied in a knot that is very tricky to undo. They don’t know whether to go to the bathroom, or walk up and down the aisles, or change their socks, or brush their teeth. They seem to think hope that it’s possible to nestle into their seat and so are continually adjusting their seat, tray table, arm rest and body.  This person is most difficult when found in the window seat to your aisle.

 

The Instant Gratification-er

The most mysterious of all, the Instant Gratification-er wants everything NOW. They insist on forming a line at the gate hours before boarding, they really want to get on that plane. Once on the plane, they impatiently fidget until take-off. Then they continue to look over their shoulder for the impending arrival of the drinks, food, entertainment system, etc. This plane persona is most completely demonstrated during the landing process. The captain instructs their crew to prepare for landing. The Instant Gratification-er instantly packs away their things, puts their shoes on and (this is key) places their hand on their seat belt. Forty-five minutes later, the plane lands. The moment the plane touches the ground, despite the fact that the crew has not given the all-clear, their seat belt is off (why do you think they’ve had their hand on that thing for the last three quarters of an hour?). No sooner than the plane has stopped moving altogether are they standing up in the aisle, collecting their hand luggage and pushing their way off the plane. They practically run through the airport, barging through immigration to their downfall. Yes, their plan has a significant downfall. Don’t they realise that the quicker they get off the plane, the longer they wait for their bags! Ha! That’ll teach you!

 

This concludes my study in plane people, although they are really anything but plain. Oooo, that was a good one!